Jon and the Round Table
by Lady Knight of Kennan
Summary: This is just me really really bored... Its about Jon and his sudden desire to be fashionably correct. *strange isnt it?* and Alanna's deeds when she's POed! Finall Chapter!!!!!! PLEASE! R&R!!!!!!!! plz!! :)
1. Chapter One: The Round Table (and other ...

Disclaimer: Hello dear fans, as usual, none of the characters are mine. They are all Tammy's or someone elses, but not mine!!!  
  
  
  
"Jon, have you gone mental?!" the Kings Champion, Alanna the Lioness asked the King of Tortall.  
  
"No" the king answered, a little annoyed, "I think that this table will be a very good addition to my castle." He was referring to the very big round table that had just been delivered. "Look!" Jon exclaimed, "All of my most trusted knights can sit around it!!!!"  
  
Alanna looked at the king of Tortall as if he had gone postal. "Are you nuts!?" she yelled, "you cannot spend your time as king spending the royal treasury on a giant round table that you got out of a catalogue!!"  
  
"Why not?" Jon asked her simply.  
  
"BECAUSE YOUR KING!!!!!!!!!" Alanna screamed, now out of control herself. "This is really the last straw Jon! You just sit around the thrown room all day and do nothing! All of your subjects are starving and very angry with you!! I would not be surprised if there were more plots against you these days!!!"  
  
"shut up Alanna! I can fire you if I wanted to. Actually that's a really good idea. Alanna, your fired. Now go away!"  
  
Alanna was very very very angry. She stormed out of the thrown room, seething with anger. "I'll get him if it's the last thing I do!"  
  
Meanwhile~  
  
King Jonathan IV went back to admiring his new circular table. He had seen it in a catalogue and simply had to have it. It was very large, at least 20 feet in diameter. He had been spending a lot of time looking through catalogues to find a table for his meeting room. He really liked this one. It was his favorite that he'd seen yet and he had bought it with the royal treasury, as Alanna had accused him of.  
  
'Alanna's dumb' Jon thought. All she cares about is the realm, and making all the subjects happy. That's dumb.' He thought, ' I don't care about the realm, I care about how the table here matches my wardrobe, and the curtains, and the carpets. I cannot have the carpets not match the table.' Jon went off mumbling to himself about clothes and carpets.  
  
(A/N: as you can tell, Jon is not acting like is usual self. I don't care. This is how he acts in my little fantasy world of Tortall. End A/N)  
  
Alanna made a few choice visits that day. She was extremely angry at her soon-to-be-ex-king. For the last few months Jon had been slowly downsizing the staff of the palace to pay for his many stupid things that he had been purchasing from catalogues that some stranger had given him. She had said she was from some place called America and she had brought with her all these things she called magazines and catalogues. Jon had been buying ever since. However this round table thing was the one he had been searching for. He had said he always wanted a table that was round. 'What ludicrous,' Alanna thought. (This was way before round tables became popular. Most people hadn't even considered the idea of a table that was round.)  
  
Alanna went to her last stop of the day here in Corus, to the Dancing Dove, to meet Arthur, the current King of Thieves that George had introduced her to.  
  
A/N: can anyone tell so far where this is going?! R&R PLEAZZ!!!! I really don't care if anyone likes it or not.. I was just bored and my little cousin gave me an idea!! 


	2. Chapter Two: stupid conversations

Disclaimer: you know the drill. I don't own any of them!!!!! They are mostly Tammy's!!!  
  
Jon and the round table: chapter two  
  
Last chapter  
  
Alanna went to her last stop of the day here in Corus, to the Dancing Dove, to meet Arthur, the current King of Thieves that George had introduced her to.  
  
Alanna caught Arthur's attention from the unusually empty room, by signaling him to the back room. She needed to speak with him privately. When they were alone in the thief's room, Alanna sat down in a chair and signaled Arthur to do the same.  
  
"I need your help," Alanna started, as always, getting right to the point. "I need you to help me get Jonathan off the throne."  
  
Arthur, not wanting to upset the Lioness any more than she apparently already was (rumor had it she was not her best this time of the month. He didn't want to mess with her pissed off and PMS-ing!) The King of Thieves only raised his eyebrows. "Why?" he asked, as if she had asked nothing more than help with breakfast. "Why do you want your king dead?" he asked her. He was not the most brilliant King of Thieves. He was in fact extremely stupid, but since there weren't any thieves left, it didn't seem to matter.  
  
"Because he an ass!!" she snapped. "He spends his entire time worrying about his clothes and now this gods damned table that he just bought. It's sickening I tell you!" now she was roaring, as he expected a lioness to, not a full-grown woman.  
  
Arthur shrank back from her slightly. He felt that he had better agree. It was clear that she would make his life quite difficult if he didn't. secretly he thought the idea of a round table to be interesting, but he would never mention that to Alanna. "OK," he began slowly, "how do you presume we kill the king, and who would claim the throne?"  
  
Alanna paused. She had not thought out her plan that far. In all honesty, she hadn't expected for Arthur to agree so quickly. She would have made him agree in the end, but he had come with out the fight. Now she had to act like she knew what she was doing. "Um. I know!" she exclaimed proudly. "I can go and talk to his highness. No one there knows that he fired me but him. And I'll sneak you in as. a servant! That's it, you'll be my servant, and I will go inside to Jon's study. Then you and I will attack him with our hidden daggers, and all will be well!" Alanna thought that this was a very good plan. She was secretly very impressed with herself at having come up with it all on her own.  
  
Arthur was not convinced. However, when he tried to argue, the lioness gave him such a look of hatred that he shrank back, and agreed. He figured he could die trying to kill the King, or die refusing to. Better to go with my better odds. A million to one was still better than nothing to zero. "And who will claim the throne my lady?"  
  
"You," snapped the lioness, back to a bad mood. "Duh!"  
  
"ok. I geuss." Agreed Arthur, "but I really don't know how to run a nation. The only reason I am king of thieves is because all of the thieves disbanded, and it's only my brother and me left. Seeing as he has fewer brains than even me, I became king. All the others serve either George, or Myles.  
  
Alanna glared at Arthur for getting off topic. "Alright," she snapped again. "We move out, um." she hesitated, not sure when to make their move.  
  
"Shouldn't we go in the night time? That way he is sleeping, and there will be less people." Arthur offered, tentatively.  
  
"Hey!" growled the lioness; "I make the decisions around here, not you meathead. "We will leave at night time. That is what I was about to suggest when you interrupted.  
  
Arthur nodded, crestfallen.  
  
~That Night~  
  
Alanna had snuck Arthur into her room that afternoon as a servant. It wasn't really hard. Ever since Jon had told the royal guard, (aka. Raoul and his companies) to stuff it and go to the dessert, (the boys had not shown up for his ball, themed 'Pink and Proper' and Jon had been a little more than vexed) there wasn't much guarding going on.  
  
Alanna and Arthur crept silently along a secret passage way to the Kings sleeping quarters. They crept in and up to the bed, to a slightly snoring, sleeping King Jon. He slept alone. Thayet had left when he had started to look at all of the very young, very pretty gilrs in all of the magazines the "American" had brought. She had taken the kids to the Yamani Islands. All of a sudden Jon startled the two plotters by rolling over and mumbling, "I will NOT where stripes with plaids," only to doze off again. Alanna giggled, excited by the night's expedition.  
  
Responding to the giggle, Jon sat bolt upright in bed, and looked at the two people standing over him with daggers. "What in the Goddess is going on here!?"  
  
"Oh," said Arthur, "we were only gonna kill you." Alanna rolled her eyes and slapped Arthur up side the head.  
  
"You idiot!" she hollered at Arthur, "you don't tell the king he's going to get killed right before you kill him!"  
  
"Why not?" both Jon and Arthur said in unison.  
  
"Because stupids!" she screamed, "Then he knows his life is in danger and he yells to get help." She eyed the silent Jonathan suspiciously. "However, there are some exceptions," she muttered.  
  
~To be continued.~ 


	3. Chapter Three: The Strangest Ending!

Disclaimer: you all know the drill; I don't own any of the characters. Most of them are the creation of our great goddess, Tamora Pierce!  
  
Last chapter  
  
"You idiot!" she hollered at Arthur, "you don't tell the king he's going to get killed right before you kill him!"  
  
"Why not?" both Jon and Arthur said in unison.  
  
"Because stupids!" she screamed, "Then he knows his life is in danger and he yells to get help." She eyed the silent Jonathan suspiciously. "However, there are some exceptions," she muttered.  
  
Chapter 3:  
  
Jonathan looked at Alanna blankly. "Huh? What do you mean?"  
  
"Never mind!" she snapped. She rolled her eyes heavenward and took a deep breath. "Okay, here's what we will do. Jon, you will go back to sleep." Alanna looked at Jon expectantly.  
  
"Oh. Why?" he said, starring at her blankly again.  
  
"BECAUSE WHE'RE GONNA KILL YOU, YOU MEATHEAD!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. Jon and Arthur cringed, feeling now the full wrath of the lioness. Alanna got up to pace the room, screaming violently at sudden intervals.  
  
Jon looked at Arthur, and Arthur looked expectantly back at Jon. "She's getting to be an awfully big pain in the @$$!" Jon said to Arthur, while the lioness paced. "Whadda say we just do her in, and make everyone happy?"  
  
Arthur looked thoughtful. Jon assumed his small brain was trying to work out what he'd meant. Abruptly his face brightened. "Sure!" he exclaimed, with childlike glee.  
  
Jon and Arthur got off of Jon's bed and crept to the lioness, who was still pacing, unarmed because she had put her sword down to yell and flail her arms. They each grabbed her on one side and pulled the screaming woman to the window. Alanna broke free of them just before reaching the ledge, and turned to do some damage of her own. She grabbed Jon by the night shirt he was wearing ( Feetsie pajamas with little teddy bears all over them.) and hurled him further into the room.  
  
"I'll teach you to turn against me!" she snarled. She grabbed her sword and before she could unsheath it, a royal guard ran in.  
  
"What on earth is all the noise?!" he exclaimed. Then he looked at Alanna, getting a sword against an unarmed king in PJs, and the man the lord provist was looking for. He realized it must be an attempt on Jon's life and reacted immediately. "Will you guys please keep it down! The guards are trying to watch reruns of 'I love Lucy' and it doesn't work with people screaming death threats down the hall."  
  
Alanna looked the man over for a moment before brightening. "Sure! Thanks for letting us know we were bothering you. If you have any other probs, down hesitate!"  
  
"Yah," Jon added, "we're really sorry we interrupted your show. We'll try to be quieter as my champion kills me" he said, with out the slightest trace of sarcasm in his voice, he was serious!  
  
"Right then," the guard said, "thanks guys!" He closed the door and walked back to his apartments.  
  
"Now," Alanna said, "where were we before we were inturupted?"  
  
"you were about to kill the King milady!" Arthur supplied helpfully.  
  
"Oh yes." She muttered, "Back to business then!" and she proceeded to tke her sword out of her sheath, and run through the king. (or that's what she meant to do, what really happened was this..)  
  
Alanna took out her sword, but couldn't hold it the right way. Jon and Arthur sighed as she readjusted her grip a few times, and then announced, "okay, now I'm ready. C'mer Jon!"  
  
"Do you think I'm stupid?! Wait, don't answer that." He sat up with a dignified air, or tried to. "I am the king of Tortall, and the bearer of the dominion jewel, the greatest magical gift ever and. and." he paused, deep in thought for a moment. "And a lot of other important stuff!" he exclaimed, with his finger in the air.  
  
Alanna waited patiently through her king's speech. "No." she said afterward. She quickly picked up her sword, and really did run the king through this time. She speared him on her sword, and groaned when he finally died. "Finally!" she grumbled. "He would not shut up!" She motioned for Arthur to follow her and led the way to the thrown room, now occupied by the large round table that started this whole affair.  
  
Arthur looked at the table closely while Alanna wasn't looking, and found it quite lovely. He noticed it had a great marble top, and beautifully carven wooden legs around the sides. It had a dozen equally wonderful chairs stationed around it. All together, Arthur thought that Jon was right to buy this; it was a very nice piece. He thought that when he was king, he might use this table.  
  
"First thing I'm going to do when I'm queen is get rid of this horrendous table!" she muttered, just loud enough so that Arthur could hear.  
  
"Now wait just a second there lioness!" Arthur exclaimed, clearly outraged. "You said that I would be king!"  
  
"Duh!" said Alanna, making the loser sign on her forehead and pointing at him. "Loser! I lied. Hello!" she laughed, amused by his stupidity. "The only reason I told you that was so you would come with me to kill the king, and look at how much you 'helped'!" she added scornfully.  
  
Arthur drew himself up to his full height, six foot, and glared at the Ex- kings champion. "No." he told her simply. And with that, he grabbed her sword from her hand, Alanna was so surprised at the turn of events that she didn't react quick enough, and Arthur was able to tap her hard on the head with the butt of the sword. She slithered to the ground, completely knocked out.  
  
As if out of nowhere, the guard that had told them to be quiet came into the thrown room. "So, it's you that came out on top of this little skirmish. Cool. What is to be the first order of business my new king?" he said, as if no one had died, or fainted, and this was something that happened normally.  
  
"I am so sick of playing the stupid fool," Arthur said quickly. "I am actually quite intelligent, I just never admitted it to alanna," he smiled. "First of all, take this," he nudged the still-out-cold Alanna with his foot, "and put her in a cage or something. I don't care. Just make sure she never gets out." The guard snapped his fingers, and two more guards appeared.  
  
"Take miss Alanna to the new prisons ion the dungeons. The ones that contain the Gift." The new guards immediately lifted the limp body, and carried it between them out the door.  
  
"Good," Arthur approved. "Now, my next command will be," and he turned back to the Round Table with interest. "I want to use this table. It looks very interesting. I can use it to have conferences. I will seat all of my most trusted knights around it, and everyone will be equal. You, guard!" he snapped turning back to the man. "I want you to go down to the lower city and collect my brother, he will be in the Dancing Dove. Ask for Lancelot. That's his thieves' code name. Now!" he ordered, when the guard hesitated at such an odd request.  
  
Arthur turned back to the table, muttering to himself. "Yes, yes, this table will help be built a grand empire! Jon was right to buy it. But it will not be used for silly matching purposes. Will be a symbol of my greatness. And we have to change this silly name of the country. I hate Tortall. It's the dumbest nation I ever heard of! I will not be ruler of a dumb nation! I will cal lit." he sat down in the distinguished chair at the table and thought. "mmmmm.. How about my code name, Camelot? Yes, that's a very good idea. Camelot! Yep. That's my nations new name!!"  
  
The nation that Arthur dreamed, and the table he sat at to get it would be famous throughout history as the fair and courageous nation, one where the king was equal with his people and his knights. Arthur was probably the greatest leader of all time, and he eventually got married. His wife, Lady Gwenevre, was the most beautiful woman throughout history. Together they made the perfect nation.  
  
But Arthur never forgot that he had killed and cheated to get it. He was haunted about it for years, until one day he cam to the conclusion that, hey, everyone cheated in the world to get what he or she wanted. He had to also, and he forgot about it. However, the lady that he sent to the dungeons never forgot it, and she hollered all night and day about the king's treason. Eventually the guards got so fed up with her that they strapped her into an iron mask, but that's a whole other story!  
  
  
  
A/N: How do you guys all like it!?!?!?!? Can you tell who everyone turns into now!?! Its finished now, so PLEASE everyone review. I don't care if I get flames or not!!! This was all meant to be hilariously funny anyways. (that's why its in the humor section!!!! : P) This being my first fic, I need some feedback!!! Just review plz!! Thank you everyone who reviewed earlier and the erm, strange comment I got!! *lol 


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